As probably almost none of you know, because I've kinda fallen off the map and because I just posted it on facebook, I am pretty damn sure I'm changing majors. I just learned you can minor in photojournalism now, and I have all the classes one would need for that...after this semester. I want to change my major to General Studies, because 1. I'm not really going to do anything with my degree anyways, since I'm going to culinary school after college. 2. I CANNOT STAND MY PHOTOJ PROFESSOR. She is a horrid teacher, and I will be glad to be rid of her. and 3. part of me wants to stay in Kent a little longer, help out the baby 'mos a little more, and because I don't know if I am ready to go into the real world yet. I mean, it'll probably just be another semester or two, so it's not too terrible. (I hope) I don't quite know what to do yet, because I don't know who to talk to about changing my major to general studies, because there is no college of general studies. It's more of something that the student creates for his/her self. I don't know if this is the best idea, but I mean...it won't hurt. I am going to try to find an advisor that isn't my photoj teacher, because she is the reason I can't go on with photoj. I just can't stand her at all. I don't want her to completely ruin photography for me, she's already helped me hate photojournalism. (It's not all her fault, it's mostly mine, but I really don't like her as a human being, so she gets the written blame) and I just want to do what is right for me. I want to study what I want to study, and I want to get a degree with it. I am scared about the job market without a specialized degree, but if I choose wisely, I can mix and match things that I already have into something that will help me in the long run. but yes....I don't know. It's scary making this change, but I feel like it's something for my own sanity, and something good for my life.


Also, what is up with my friends letting things get between them? It makes me sad that "F" and "M" can't just put their pride aside and negotiate on something that is ruining more than just their friendship. They are hurting others' friendships too, people that shouldn't be pulled into the middle of it all. He has no reason to get in the middle and he doesn't want to get in the middle. (if this is vague, it's because I am purposely making it so) Just get over yourselves and be humans towards each other. And to my other friends that are letting silly things and misunderstandings get in the way of a friendship that has lasted quite a while, get over it. If you lose someone over something silly, it's going to hurt once you realize that your pride is getting in the way of meeting and holding on to real friends. People are growing up all around you, why don't you join them?



PS- unless you are one of the letters I am speaking about (and neither of them have LJs, so it doesn't matter) I am NOT talking about you. I am talking in general, because everyone does it (including me) and I am just kinda over seeing my friends get into stupid fights about nothing other than their refusal to see anything from anyone else's eyes besides their own.

I think that astrology has more merit, to myself and my life, than any other religion or practice. I have had this discussion with the roomie before, and I was saying that, from everything we have learned about the universe and how everything has a gravitational pull on everything else, no matter how weak of a pull it may be. So, why is it so hard to believe that planets, all of which are much much bigger than ourselves, may have some sort of influence on us? It makes more sense than some dude in a toga and a beard watching us from somewhere high up in the sky, and he knows everything that happens, everything that we do and are, and either makes it happen or lets it happen. I mean, come on... But anyways, if you go further into astrology and get a natal chart made for yourself, or make it yourself, you see that there is so much more than just your sun sign that has an effect on you. There's the sun sign, moon sign, ascendent, mid-heaven, all the different houses, and more. So, all of those things added together, depending on what planet is where can mean something completely different than what most people know about astrology.

So, it's Sunday and you know what that means? It means that I am working from 11am to midnight. And oddly enough, I'm doing pretty well. I don't hate everyone, but that's because I have been waking up in a glorious fog of awesome. I don't quite know how to describe it, but everything is great. My shoulder hurts like hell, I think I pulled something lifting intense amounts of garbage at work, and it gets better and worse in waves, much like everything else in my life. :) Things are going swimmingly, and I actually feel really good about myself. Good enough to make some changes for the better. I mean, I am actually motivated to change my damn routines and do something.

But right now, the cyber cafe is full of screaming. People playing pool and yelling about shit, people playing taboo or charades or something. It's all really distracting. I am trying to listen to IAMX and other music to center my brains, but it's not working. Oh well. Fuck it.

Things are going to change in my life, I can feel it. I am trying to focus on me and being who I want to be, and loving that person, and not worrying so much about other people. I am going to take care of myself, be the boy that I am, start T, change my name, start saving for top surgery.

I am doing well in school thus far, I have my radio show again this semester! It's on Fridays from 4pm-6pm. So, maybe I'll have more listeners this semester. PRIDE! is going well too. I am doing alright as VP this year, and I'm excited to get things started for realz. Well, it is far too chaotic down here for even my thoughts, so I am going upstairs for a smoke. These people down here can S my D.

-Fancylad Extraordinare

P.S.- I love living with Erik!!!! I can't even describe how much better this situation is for my sanity. And now, Smokey treat time!!!!

So, yeah. I am sitting in the PRIDE! office, and I was talking to a few of my classmates from my photoj2 class. It started out with just complaining that she wasn't specific enough with her directions, and how she's basically a moron. But it eventually turned into me thinking (out loud) that photojournalism is just not for me. What sucks is that it took me 3 years to figure this out. :( I am almost done with school here, and I have 22ish credit hours left. I want to go to culinary school after college, and I want to make art. I don't know if it's just my professor that has killed photojournalism for me, or if I am just not made to take pictures of "news". I just want to make beautiful pictures that make the people who see it think. I want to do long term projects about gender, and sexuality. I want to examine all forms that the human body takes. I want to make a difference with my art, even if it is making 5 people re-think their ideas of gender. I want to make beautiful food and serve it to people who will appreciate the beauty, as well as enjoy eating it. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make this happen, but it will.

Erik gave me a tarot reading last night, and I think that got me seriously thinking about my life and where I want to take it and how to get there. I need to get my shit together, and I actually think I am doing it. Well, at least I'm starting to. I am growing up, and I don't want to fuck this up. I want to have at least a plan of what I'm going to do after I graduate before I do it. I'm going to start looking up internships that I won't hate, and I'm going to start to put my life together the way I want to have it put together.

After a lot of thinking (and I mean a lot) I think I am ready to change my name and start T. More and more people are asking me about it, and everytime, I am not sure. But I think I am going to actually do it. I am going to legally change my name, and I'm going to make an appointment to start testosterone. It's not like I haven't said that before. But, "...something has changed within me...something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." oh musicals....

I am terrified out of my mind as to what's going to happen when I do actually change my name and start T, but I finally feel as though this is something I need to do. I need to start my life again. I'm no longer a teenager, and I don't want to start my adult life in this in between stage of my transition. I don't feel rushed or pushed into this like I did in the past. I don't feel like I have to compete with anyone. My friends see me as a boy, as do I, and that's enough for me. I know that coming out to the rest of my family is not going to be easy, but I know what I need to do.

Also, I have determined that I am just going to get my shit together before I try to find anyone to date. I mean, I really would like to find someone, but at the same time, it's so much to deal with. Me starting T, me being trans in the first place, and just me being me. I am just going to get my shit together, then worry about boys and dating.

I need a haircut too.

So, not too much has been going on, but I have a few pieces of advice for everyone ever:

1. Go see District 9. It is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time...especially in theatres.

2. Read the books that True Blood is based on. Especially if you like vampires or that show. They are wonderful. I've read the first two books and the second one took me a couple days to read.

3. Carlo Rossi sangria is actually tasty. As is rootbeer and espresso vodka.



Also, living with Erik has been awesome. I am sad that we don't get to see Ralphi, Finch, Kelsey, Yana and Kayla hardly ever, but I think that'll change once school starts and we're all on campus more often. I'm really excited about the school year starting, even though my hours at work suck. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am really really glad I have a job. Because a lot of my friends don't have that.

Another thing, why is it that every year I'm in Kent, I have a completely different group of really good friends, and my other friends just kinda move along doing what they do and we hang out when we have time from other friends? I think that's kinda weird, but I also kinda like it. meh, oh well.

Oh! I'm also reading Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry. She wrote The Giver, one of my favorite childhood books. It's good as well. It's really easy for me to read, because it's sort of a children's book, but nonetheless, I like it.

I have been playing Okami a lot with Erik lately as well. I'm almost to the point where I have to fight Crimson Helm, and I am really nervous about it, because I don't like losing, and I tend to do that in video games....a lot. But we'll see, I will try to beat it on the first go. Wish me luck!!!

So, there's a lot going on right now in my head, and some of it is not so major, some are more pressing matters. I'm at work right now, and I'm just thinking a whole bunch about how the fuck I'm going to get away with turning in my portfolio so late. I still haven't started on it, but I think I will try to do that today. Maybe I can convince some of my friends that I haven't photographed to be in my photos. Then, I'll work on my still life, I'm thinking about doing one on my very own brand of masculinity. But anyway, I will get it done, and hopefully Teresa will accept it. I just want a grade for that damn class. but yes. That's that.

On to my housing situation...Gawd. So, we aren't living in the really cool house on University anymore, now we're living off of 59, and it's a nicer house, but it's more expensive and there are only 4 bedrooms. There was a HUGE debacle about the house and basically I didn't want to move in there, because there wasn't as much room and it was more expensive, it's farther away from campus, and it isn't really our house, it's the house we are staying in. But hopefully, things will be okay when we move in. I'm going into this place with an open mind and heart and I know that things will be fine. Erik and I are living on the second floor by ourselves, Kels is taking the basement, Finch is taking the first floor bedroom and Ralphi is in the living room, he's using it as his bedroom. Erik and I are turning the smallest room upstairs into a tarot/astrology/reading/crafting room. Putting pillows, a table, beanbags, and maybe a chair and a bookshelf in there to sit and enjoy ourselves. So, hopefully the way the house is set up, it will create the most sanity.

Speaking of sanity, I really want to research the benefits and effects of crystals and stones on people and energy. Just so I can do as much as I can to diffuse the negative energy from school and if anything is going on, before it becomes too much. Also, I need to get my shit together so I put forth the energy to keep my room clean. Doing everything I'm doing in school, working and then coming all the way home will be tough, but if I just start from day 1 in the house and create a routine for me, then it should work.

Another thing that was making me really apprehensive about moving into this new house is the fact that it is more expensive. yes, it's only $20 a month more, but that's $240 a year, and that's a lot of money that I could be saving to go on T, or to buy a new binder, or to pay for Casper, or to change my name. I don't know if anyone I'm living with (besides Erik) understands the fact that I make barely enough to pay rent. I have been saving for how long to change my name? And everytime I get enough $, I have to use it for rent. It's really depressing. Also, I really want to start testosterone soon, but I'm scared I won't be able to afford it consistently. but I guess I won't ever know unless I try. It makes me so nervous to actually plan these things out concretely. It's not so much a nervous as an excited because I'm actually doing it. I never thought I would. I mean, when I was with Kat, I didn't think I'd ever end up going on T, because she didn't like it, and because I had no money. I know, I shouldn't let what others think about my transition get in the way of what I do, but I did. And it was a mistake. A huge one on my part. no one else. But now, I'm determined, and I will find a way to do this.

Lately, I have been feeling like Batty from Fern Gully. You know, the bat that has an antennae in his head, and he randomly shorts out and doesn't quite function correctly. Yeah, that's me. I have been kinda in a fog and sometimes I'll start talking about something and then forget completely what I was trying to say. Also, I have been having mini storms happening in my head where I start thinking about things at a million miles a second. For example, last night, as I was lying down to sleep, I started thinking about life, and my future, and I proceed to freak out in my head about how I was going to be 30 soon, and then 40 and then 60 and 80 and I started to panic about getting old and dying. Now, I'm not normally scared about these things. But at that moment, I was truly terrified. But I am okay now. I just sometimes realize how much I unconsciously deny the fact that I am going to get older. I am like peter pan, I'm forever going to think of myself as young. Even at 80, I will still think I'm not a "grown-up" and that eventually it will happen, but not really. Parts of me want to just do what I want, move around with my friends, going where ever we want, do what we want, and if we feel like moving after a while, we'll do it. Long term plans make me uncomfortable, even though I like making plans. I mean, we plan on living in our new place for the next 2 years, until most of us are supposed to graduate. After that, Erik and I want to move to Columbus for a while. Then, some of Erik's friends want to move to California, and he wants to go too, and he wants me to come too. After that, I want to eventually live in Chicago for some part of my life, and I want to live in NYC if I ever get enough money to live in a closet there. I want to travel, I want to do things, I want to make a difference. I want to make art, drink copious amounts of coffee, and do what I love. I don't want to be rich, and I want to pay my bills. I just want to live my life as I see fit.

But anyways, on to more immediately important matters.

I have been thinking and talking to people (including here on lj) about finally starting to physically transition. For me, this includes coming out to the rest of my family. I want to change my name this coming semester, but I feel that it would be the right thing for me to do. I am actually starting to think about what I am going to say to them. I don't know if I should write them a letter, or if I should talk to them in person, or if I should just not tell them all together. I mean, I think it'd be weird to change my name, go on T, and live my life as the man that I am, and not tell them. Like they wouldn't notice my voice changing and hair growing, and me going through puberty all over again. Like when I was stressing about coming out to my parents, I am scared of their reaction. I am scared that they aren't going to acknowledge me as their grandchild, and as who I am. I mean, I think they are guessing I'm gay, because when I was telling them about when Kat and I got Casper, my grandma asked me, "What if you two break up? who will get him?" so yeah. I think they know that I date women. lolz. But they don't know that I'm a queer transsexual. Fun stuff. I'm thinking about talking to my aunt and uncle about it, because they know about my trannydom and are fine with it, and they know my grandparents better than I do...because they are my aunt's parents. I'm also concerned about telling my uncle and his wife and kids. I mean, I think my uncle will be okay with it, but his wife is a cunt. that's right a C-U-N-T. I don't use that word often, but she deserves it. She has done her best to completely ruin her children's minds with her bullshit "religion" and mental and emotional abuse to them and my uncle. So, I'm scared of what she's going to tell them. But yeah...

So, I keep delaying my going on T, because I lack the funds to pay for it. I want to be able to consistently pay for my prescription, and I know that I can't do that just yet. I'm beginning to get really antsy about starting T, because I don't want "Amy" on my college degree. I don't want to have to figure out which name I should use with them. But I as soon as I pay for the security deposit (which will take my whole paycheck) and the first month's rent (which will take another paycheck) I'm going to save as much as I can from every paycheck to pay for it. Now, to just figure out if my parents' insurance will cover seeing this doctor, and how much they'd cover for my prescription. I think I'm gonna call the company tomorrow and ask.

Other than all that, I have been doing really well. My summer is going great, but it's going to be over too soon. Unfortunately, I have yet to do my projects for class, but I am going to start this week. Hopefully I'll be done by this the beginning of next week as well. Hopefully, I won't be completely fucked when I turn it in. I'm sure my professor has completely forgotten anyway, she's so scatterbrained. But I need to get this done as soon as possible. So, if anyone has any ideas for a cool still life that I could shoot, let me know. It has to tell a story or make a statement. I just don't know what statement to make. After I finish this, I'm going to try to contribute to the "No H8" campaign, which will be fun. But that's about it. I gotta go back to "work". You know, the time when I go to the student center for hours and sit on the computer with a black polo and get paid for it. That thing. I actually have to do stuff sometimes.

I finally finished signing up for classes in the fall! this is what my schedule looks like, for now:

Monday-
Political Methods at 11am-12:15
JACK THE RIPPER CLASS!!!!! 2:15-5pm (apparently from Oct.22-the end of the semester)
Videography Basics II 5:30-8:15pm (only from Oct. 5- Nov.8)

Tuesday-
PhotoJ2 11am-1:45
Comparative Religious Thought 5:30-8:15pm

Wednesday-
Political Methods
Jack the Ripper

Thursday-
PhotoJ2

Now I just need to figure out how to fit in 30 hours of work in there, time for PRIDE! stuff, and BSR time. So, needless to say, I am glad that I live with my friends, because otherwise I don't know if I'd see them any other time. lolz.

I'm also going to look at dance classes, because I think it'd be fun. Maybe next summer if I have time outside of an internship I should be doing, I'll take a cool class. or maybe in the spring. who knows.

So, as of late, I've been trying to figure out how to talk to my parents about transitioning. Part of me wants to just sit them down or take them out to dinner and tell them that I want to go on testosterone. I'm really scared to tell them because ever since I came out to them, they haven't really made an effort to acknowledge the fact that I'm a boy or that I go by Trae. I mean, they do address things to "Trae," but when I'm with my family, they don't call me Trae, and they don't use male pronouns. I also am debating telling the rest of my family. If I go on T, I don't think it would be fair to start transitioning without telling them. This, my friends, is the hardest part. I know that my parents wouldn't disown me or anything, but I don't know about my uncle and his bitch-ass wife. I love my cousins and my uncle, and it would break my heart if I couldn't see them anymore. Also, I am concerned about my family because on my dad's side, I have an uncle...a rich, eccentric uncle...who as long as we don't piss him off, will give us money in his will. He freaked out because I got my lip pierced, and to hear that his "niece" is a tranny, and is going to be his nephew, I just don't want to fuck things over for the rest of my family. :-/ while I doubt that would happen, it still could. Well, I guess I'll never know until I find out.

The other night, I was dreaming about talking to my mom, and it was going really well. She and I were having a really good talk, and my mom sat me down and told me that she had something really important to tell me. She started getting teary, and she gave me a big hug and started to say something....and my phone woke me up. lolz. I don't remember anything that she was saying, but all I remember is that she was being like she normally is, very caring and she was basically like, "we will love you no matter what" so that was a good dream.

I also have been watching a lot of videos on youtube from the "Trannystar Galactica" channel, and realizing how many people really have similar opinions to me. Oh, internets, I love you. You have everything and everyone. But one thing that I'm really superficially scared about is when I go on T, getting acne. I am terrified that it will be as bad as some guys' I've seen. I figure, for me, that my acne would be something between the acne I had during my first puberty (which wasn't really bad at all) and my brother's (which was considerably worse than mine, but not too bad). So, I'm really scared about my "second puberty" that I'm up for. I mean, it's totally worth it, but gawd, yet another ugly duckling phase? geez. give me a break. Whatever.

Oh! Erik got a tattoo yesterday, and it's freaking sweet!!!!!!!!! I love it so much. He came over yesterday, and he, Kelsey and I took some ritalin (sp?) because she had to write a paper by 9am today, and Erik and I were bored, and hadn't done it before, so we did. I was kinda hyper and giggly for a while, then my mind was just really awake, even though my body was tired. Erik decided it would be a good idea to have a complete psychological break and have a 2.5 hour conversation with someone....that wasn't there! hahahahaha! soooo crazy. lolz. it was funny though. Then I ended up staying awake until about 5 or 6am, and I had to wake up at 8 for work this morning....well, I did wake up at 8, but not to my alarm. I woke up with a pain in my chest...my sternum I believe. My phone was lodged underneath me, and I was lying on my stomach, so it was digging into my chest, painfully. lolz. I was like, WTF?! and turned on my phone to see what time it was...hoping it wasn't after 9, because then I'd be fired. It was only 8, and I got to work on time...just fyi. :) Oh, yeah, back to the story I meant to tell. So, Erik and I were discussing our tattoo ideas and the fact that the next time he goes to get one, I'm going to go too. I'm still trying to figure out what to get, but I want either my Q and trans symbol, or I was thinking about getting "regret nothing" or something to that extent. but I'm still working on it. maybe I'll just get "fancylad" tattooed on my forehead. lolz.


Also, still freaking out about rent because Finch hasn't gotten back to Kelsey or me. AAAAHHHHHH!!! I hate hate HATE paying rent late. I mean, we have a grace period of 5 days, but still. I really hope Finch can come through. because I don't know how the hell Kels and I are gonna pay for this. *sigh* oh well, things will work out.


Oh, still no word on any of our living situations. I am really hoping for the co-op house, because it's nice, it's basically on campus, and we won't find anything cheaper that's in a good condition. So who knows....maybe we'll get the co-op and everything will be gravy. I hope. Oh well, back to work...it's almost break time! I love my job.

I've been having a real creative explosion in my head lately, and I am planning on using this to my advantage. In order to understand how I plan to use my creativity, I need to rant a little and then gush over how awesome some people are.

First, the rant. I've been reading a lot from transguys and other gender variant people, especially queer trans people. And lately, I have been getting so mad at a lot of transmen who are discriminating against trans men who don't identify as 100% male and if they acknowledge their trans past or the fact that they were born female, then they deserve to be criticized as not being trans or not being good enough. It really made me so upset, because this has been happening more and more (that I've seen) I mean, in one of the myspace groups I'm in, one guy was writing to tell people that he finally moved out of his (verbally abusive) parents' house and now he's in therapy to transition. Now, normally, that would be a huge "awesome! good for you!" fest. but since this guy isn't macho, straight, and identify as 100% male for all of his life, the second response to his post was, "How is it possible to be androgynous/genderqueer/genderfucked/ AND a female-to-male all at once?" and someone chimed in saying, "don't forget he's a furry too!" and now, I may not be so comfortable with the idea of being a furry, I don't see why people have to be bastards to this guy. whenever he says anything in this group, they just jump on him and make fun of him and say how he isn't really trans and is crazy and basically not worth their oh-so-insightful advice or help. gah!

Then, there's another string of messages solely for those same guys to talk about how cool they are in how they don't identify as FTM, just a male that has big scars on his chest and no dick. And how you can't be a man and not be on T. Or you aren't a man until you have surgery, you are male, but not a man. Or you are just a boy if you are on T. It's dumb and I really want to punch them in the face. and sadly, some of those guys work for a place that helps trans people find a job and somewhere to live. Especially youth that run away or are kicked out. And they are in San Francisco of all places! They say they check their personal politics at the door, I'm scared they don't.

But enough of me ranting, because I could do it for hours...and I probably have, at least in my head. on to the awesome.


So, I was talking to Erik on facebook yesterday, and my status happens to be something to the extent of "I'm going to change the world...one way or another." And we are talking about why I said that and the photography projects I want to do*, and he was asking me why I just am doing something on gender, and not just debunking all stereotypes in the non-straight community. and I plan to, I want that to be my life's work. I want to dedicate my life to breaking those molds and those stupid ideas about "other people" and I really want people to stop basically fucking with other people because of some pretend superiority they feel they have. But here's a part of what he told me:
"you're so open-hearted and see the beauty and potential in everything that i think limiting yourself to certain labels, period, is a waste of your talent.

you have to ability to make people see though their fear of others' differences and accept others, regardless of identification (on any level), just by being you.which is incredible. you're like fucking Sidhartha."

THIS is why Erik is my best friend. and this is why I feel even more motivated to do what I want to do in life. I am just getting through school, and doing it. I don't care what I'm going to have to do in order to follow this idea, but I'm going to do what it takes.

So, that's that. I'm going to fucking change the world, with my camera.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


I love Cyanide and Happiness, and this confirms why.

http://www.beyondmasculinity.com/articles/macey.php?page=1


ZOMG. this article is amazing. More and more I am coming to realize that Who and what I am is of no matter to anyone else, and if they can't handle or deal with it, then fuck 'em. I mean, I spent so much time being terrified of what other people will think about me, or how they'd react to finding out I'm not "normally" equipt like a bioman, but I'm more interesting anyway.


I mean, if you read the article, tell me what you think about what he says. I am going to go and read more of the articles on this website now. woo!

So, I haven't gotten much sleep the past few days(to be specific, 13 hours in 3 days), or much food for that matter. I have been awake since 730 this morning, and all I've eaten is a bagel from yesterday's vendors and a piece of red velvet cake from work today....I kinda want to puke from the sugar intake, but I need something in my stomach. ha. Enough complaining. On to the deep thought....sort of.

I went to the conference against homophobia that was put on by the kent ARA, WLC, PRIDE! kent, and other groups with acronyms in their title. (lolz) I only went to one workshop, and it happened to be the one that Bash Back! put on. I wanted to go to it to see what they were about. here's what I gathered from the 2 hour presentation and q&a that they had:
1. They are for the liberation, not equality, of everyone ever.
2. They hate anyone who is fighting for rights that they don't want (ie marriage, hate crimes legislation, and repealing don't ask, don't tell)
3. They are all-inclusive....unless you are right-wing, not an anarchist, or don't agree with EVERYTHING they believe or want to achieve.

I agreed with a lot of what they were saying, but of course, they are anarchists, and I don't agree with how they plan to go about "liberating" everyone. They have a lot of good points, but I am not into just fucking shit up because there is a building of a corporation, and they are inherently douchebags. I believe that everyone should be whatever gender they believe themselves to be or not be, and however they want to express it. Same goes with sexuality (or lack thereof). I think that as a culture, we should get past labels, and I try not to use them or I use an abundance of them, just to make a point that it shouldn't matter. I know and acknowledge that they do, and just because I don't like them, doesn't mean that many people are happy inside of their neat little box. who am I to smash that box because I'm sleeping in the open air? I think that people should be able and not ostracized because of who or how they fuck (or don't fuck. I think that people shouldn't be shunned because of their political or religious beliefs, no matter how stupid I, or anyone else may think they are. I want to get to a world, or even a society, that thrives on a multitude of people living together, and actually debating these things. Debating whether or not god exists, or whether there is just boy and girl, or why or how LGBT people came about (biologically and evolutionarily)

I want to make the word "queer" not so scary anymore. I want the word "transgender/transsexual" to not put images of just drag queens and kings into people's heads. I want them to picture, me. you. any "normal-looking" person. I want people to get pissed off about whatever, and to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I want people to give a shit that trans people are being fucked over by the very same people that are supposed to be a part of the same community as us.

I also went to the May 4th events today, and one of the speakers basically made the point of, "what are you doing to make a difference? what are you doing to spread YOUR truth?"


I am starting a group of people who want to spread not-straight awareness. I want to start a group of people who run around, paint the rock, chalk the hell out of everything, and spread the word of trannies, queers, faggots and dykes everywhere. I want everyone to know that trans people exist. That not everyone is the same, some people like to be out, some people like to blend the boundaries of gender and sexuality. Some people are queer fancylad genderqueer transsexual artists looking to make a difference, and some people are just boys or girls.

Guess which one I am? :D


EDIT: I kinda just put into words what I've been meaning. I agree with what they are trying to do, I just don't agree with the spirit in which they are doing it. meaning, I think their goal is good, but how they are getting there and how they are treating people that aren't the same as them is stupid and wrong. that's all.

So, since I last talked at you all, I've begun to make more solid plans in my life. I'm going to take out half of my rent my first paycheck of the month and the other half the second paycheck. I usually get 2 paychecks a month, so that'll be nice to have a closer to constant source of money in my bank account. I have less than a dollar, but my mom helped Kat and I out with the pet rent this month, so now I have $10 to last me until friday. *wipes forehead* thank gawd, I was scraping up pennies and nickels to buy anything the past few days. She also took me to the grocery store, target (to get an electric toothbrush the dentist said I should have), and to walmart. We went to whole foods because it was close and I mentioned how much I loved that place. But we got a whole 3 things there. we got most of the foods at walmart. I got a new pair of jeans at old navy because my sister needed to go there and I can't really go into a store without trying things on. But I found a pair of jeans that I really liked, and they fit, because since I've lost 25 pounds, my pants don't fit anymore. but these do, and it's great. I am really proud of myself for losing that much weight, I've never lost that much weight at once before. It makes me feel really good about myself. Not being able to buy food helps in my diet. But now, since I have real foods in my house, I need to put together a work-out schedule.

oh!! Kelsey and Erik might be moving in this summer, before we move in a real place. Kat told me that she was thinking about subletting her room out, and asked me if I knew anyone that would want to sublet from her. Of course, I knew kelsey did, and I know Erik and I were talking about it the last time Kat mentioned subletting her room. If 2 people moved in with me, things would be a lot easier financially for me and everyone else. So, I think that if Kat does move out, they will be in. (as long as Erik finds a job here)

I'm excited for this semester to be over, and I hope that I get through it alive. grade wise.

Also, I've made the decision to wait until the summer to start T. I'm going to make an appointment for after school lets out with the doctor, and I think that is going to be the best idea for me. Also, I'll be going through a lot of changes verbally and physically and mentally so, only going to work would be the best way for me to handle the changes.

I am starting to get really nervous about where I'm going to be living next year. I am scared that if I don't personally go out and call and look at the places, that they won't be found and we won't have anywhere to live. I know it's not true, but I get scared sometimes.

But yeah, I'm doing really well mentally. I still struggle with gender and biology and sexuality issues, but if that's the worst of my problems, that's pretty damn good.

Oh yeah!!! Ashley hasn't had her baby yet. She was having contractions and stuff, but her water hasn't broken yet. I'm really excited but scared about it. She's about a month early, but maybe her baby will wait a little while to come out. Stay inside little guy!! We aren't ready for you!! I haven't made your day of birth present yet! just pay a-bloody-tention, alright? just wait up there be groovy drink a bit of wine, just don't get born yet. K thnx.
I want a cig. :-)

IS AMAZING!!!!!!!

THANKS KAREN!!!!!!!!

So, today is an exciting day!

Today, I am feeling better. Which is a plus! Also, PRIDE! and BUS are having a joint fondue party, and Jackie is coming!!!! It'll be so much fun. I'm going to dress nice and wear a nice button-down shirt with my CK sweater over it and my silver 100% silk tie! woot!

Also, ELECTRIC BUGALOO IS BACK!!!!!!! THE FIRST SHOW IT TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!! EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO ME! I'M FLYING SOLO FOR THIS ONE!

So, yeah, at midnight go to www.blacksquirrelradio.com and listen to me play awesome dance music!!

also, you can instant message me at BSRKent on AIM, or call the request line at 330.672.7700


IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you all have no idea how excited I am to do BSR this semester! eeep!

http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid40003.asp

After reading this article, I am feeling a lot better about things. I really haven't told many people, but I often am trying to figure out something similar to what Loren (the author) is/was trying to figure out. I'm really glad that this is in the Advocate, because not many people outside of the trans community (and some people in the trans community) understand transgender people's sexuality. Personally, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual and I will be for a long time, but my sexuality changes a lot. I don't pigeonhole myself into gay or straight or even bisexual most of the time, because I just like who I like, and I am who I am. I also am terrified that once I begin physically transitioning, I won't find any partners because of the "hybrid male" that I will become. I want to find someone that actually sees me as a boy, 100%. I don't want to compromise who I am for anyone. (I'm not saying I did before, but I still don't want to) I want to really, honestly, be the boy someone drools over. I'm working on my own body image and confidence, so that's a good thing. I'm taking control over my life, and what I want and need to do. I'm not taking orders from anyone, and I'm done always doing stuff for everyone else. I'm taking time for myself and I'm going to come out of this better, happier and what I see myself to be. An awesomely queer transMAN. This is mostly just a personal rant, but I mean, you guys might as well read it. The article is more important than my rant, so read that first. It really gives me the good feeling that I'm not alone in this sexually mixed up world.


In other things, work is going well, and I'm feeling even better than before. The single life is treating me well, and by well I mean it's leaving me alone. Pride! is going pretty well, too. Max and I are becoming better friends, as are Leora and I. Yesterday was pretty awesome, I haven't laughed that much or that hard in a long time. It felt good. Oh! and hopefully this weekend, Tisha and Todd and whoever else can come down, or Erik and Karen(?) could come down. or both! I am in the process of finishing xmas presents still, but I only have 3 to go. my dad and brother's slippers and my mom's hat. then, I'm going to work on my backpack.

Again, like I said in my post before this one, I am willing to make and sell people crocheted items (knit takes a long time for me, but I can knit a scarf if you'd like!). I'm also want to ask my knitters and crocheters out there to send the little bits and pieces of yarn that is too short to make anything ,but too long to throw away, my way so I can add them to my back pack. I think that I might have enough, but I'm not sure. So, I am very willing to make something for you for a reasonable price. And by reasonable, I mean reasonable for me, not for someone selling "hand-made crafts" I'm trying to pay rent here, not start a fortune 500 building. I have a feeling I'm going to be paying much more rent soon, so any help would be great! thanks everyone.

So, as many of you know, I haven't been quite myself lately. I've been having a hard time dealing with the fact that my romantic relationship with Kat is over, and our platonic relationship is still going. She's dating someone new, and she's really nice. And I'm sorry to Kat because I hurt her by not being so nice to her when she came over this weekend. I am moving on, and I'm not saying I'm not sad, but I'm just trying to let all my feelings go, and just start new ones. Last night after my epic 15 hour shift at work, I turned on some music, and just cried. It helped me a lot, and I'm not feeling quite as bad. Kat and I also talked last night, which helped too. It also helped solidify the fact that I need to be single right now. I'm not going to deny anything that may happen, but I'm not going to pursue anything either. I'm just starting over and learning how to be happy by myself, like I used to be. I'm just going to live life how I want to, and I'm going to get through this next few months and I'll be mostly unscathed.

What a start to 2009.

I think I might take Laura up on her offer to let me take my driving test in her car, just so I can have my license.

I also am hopefully going to start making knit and crochet things to sell. I don't want to do anything too big, but if anyone wants me to make something for them, let me know what and if you need it by a certain day, I'll let you know how much it'll be.

I also am going to save my money and get a new binder, and I'm going to save my pennies and possibly take a train to California to see Ashley in May when she has her baby. I really miss her, and I can't wait to see her. I'm also thinking about taking a trip for spring break, I'm not quite sure where yet, but maybe Chicago? I'd just take the megabus there, because it's cheap, and I'd hopefully be going with friends...if they'd want to go. or a roadtrip might be in order. who knows.

I still need to go house shopping. This is a priority. I honestly mean this. This needs to happen. SOON.

Also, I am really glad my friends exist. They helped me more than I could ever imagine, and I just keep making more friends, and my old ones become better friends. I don't know what I'd do without them, probably go crazy. Especially the few that I'm thinking of right.....*now*.

I'm excitedly awaiting the first PRIDE! meeting on thursday, just to see how many people come to it. Also,....I just lost my train of thought...uuuuuummmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuhhhhh...whatever.

I'm working on getting my actual image to match my self image. meaning, I'm eating better and I'm starting to workout by myself. I still want to start going to the rec to swim, I just have to get my butt up there. maybe I'll just start going early mornings before my classes on tuesday and thursdays, when my first class starts at 11am. I'll just wake up like I have class at 8, and go to the rec and swim until 10, get dried off and go to class at 11. I might have to ride the dreaded (by me) bus to class in the winter, but in the spring and summer, I can walk. Unless anyone wants to wake up ridiculously early to go swim or go work out while I swim. I think going to swim is going to be good for me, and me being comfortable with my body, because I really can't stand it sometimes. not even just me being out of shape, but me not having the body I imagine myself to have.

Also, I'm going on T soon, Yay! and that'll help get rid of a lot of the extra energy I'm going to have when I start T. I'm excited, and I'm scared. I am excited for all the effects and everything that goes with being on T, passing, a deeper voice, higher sex drive (lol), and just having my body look more masculine, but I'm scared that my parents aren't going to be too keen on the idea that their daughter now really is their son, and they can't pretend that nothing is happening. I'm also scared about coming out to the rest of my family. It's going to have to happen. because I can't show up for easter and just be all of a sudden masculine looking. it's going to be interesting.

2009 is going to be interesting really. Keep and eye and ear and mind open for more news about me. :-) I'll be sure to let you know.

Since many of you know me, you know I am obsessed with pirates. I am also looking for another tarot deck. So, I mean, if anyone wants to you know...get me something for the new year/xmas/late birthday...You can get me this:

http://www.amazon.com/Tarot-Pirates-Bepi-Vigna/dp/888395744X/ref=pd_ybh_1?pf_rd_p=280800601&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_t=1501&pf_rd_i=ybh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1SRSP7AMPMW8A36CK4WK

it's the pirate tarot deck. I'm in love!! There is the normal cardstock version, which is what I need, but I'm thinking about saving my money and getting it in wood. The deck was first carved out of cherry wood, and that my friends, is teh secks. The whole deck is $500,so I probably won't be able to save that much for a long long time, but it'd be worth it, eventually. so yeah, I just thought I'd let everyone know that I found the most awesome deck in the world and that I need it. I know you aren't supposed to buy your own tarot deck, but dammit, I need this one. :-) haha. so yeah. I'll let you know when I buy it. I'll take pictures!

So, yeah. A lot of stuff has come and gone since nearly a month ago when I last posted. but here are the highlights:

Christmas wasn't aweful!

Kat and I opened our relationship

I have awesome friends (I knew that before, but still)

My uncle who is married to a crazy religious biotch added me on facebook.

My mom apologized for not using the right name while I was home.

I'm getting my letter for T when school starts again.

I'm looking for an endocrinologist in the area.

I have fallen in love with Bounce all over again, and I must go back.

I found "my drink". It's champagne. Extra Dry. I also love mimosas.

I am looking for a house to rent with Erik, possibly Kat, and whomever
else would like to join us. (this past summer 2:Electric Boogaloo minus the drama?)

I've been feeling more artistic and more confident lately, and I'm glad.

I wish that it was actually winter, not just december. there is no snow! WTF?!

Oh, also, I've been thinking about getting back into Astrology and Tarot a lot more. I want to get a new deck, maybe a "real" deck (meaning western deck) or there's a deck I saw at Barnes and Noble but it's called the Tao deck. I'm not sure if that's exactly what it's called, but you get my jist. it's also based on the I ching, and I thought that might be a good second deck. I think I'm leaning towards getting a western deck though. I haven't given myself or anyone else a reading in quite some time, I'm sure my deck hates me. but I will give it love soon and all will be well. Maybe I'll do a reading tonight to make it not feel so neglected, and then do a special new year's reading tomorrow....hmmm...

Tomorrow is new year's eve, and I'm excited. I think that Kat and I are going to go to 2 parties, and spend time with people. I don't usually make resolutions, but I'm going to try to at least set goals this year. I want to:

1. Do well in classes, miss less than 3 to laziness. Being sick isn't being lazy.

2. Learn more about Astrology and Tarot

3. Get back into shape...you know, a shape that isn't round.

4. Be better at saving money.

5. Make more friends, and make the friendships I have stronger.

6. Run for PRIDE! board next year.

7. Be more creative.

8. Make a difference in little ways everyday.


I think that's good for now. I mean, these are little things that I can do. I just need to chop them into little pieces and take them once piece at a time.